Why am I Such a Jerk to Myself?

In every relationship, I get mad when I feel I’m not appreciated for being an amazing individual.  I am compassionate, supportive, good-looking, talented, hard working, and I make the other person feel valued.  I am on my side all the way.  So, why do I treat myself like I am less than that?

I believe that part of the reason is… I hate self-centered people.  You know the ones who act like they are God’s gift.  So when I know I do something well, I don’t want to be the one toot my own horn.  I feel if I talk about how awesome I secretly think I am, that I’ll be just like someone I hate.  So, I don’t.  I downplay myself to the point that I don’t feel adequate.  I don’t feel like I’m the person I know I am.

It has taken years to get to a fully supportive, positive view of myself.  I was teased as a child (but honestly, who wasn’t).  I attended eight different schools k-12.  It wasn’t very easy holding on to childhood friends unless I (and they) wanted to keep contact via ‘snail mail’. (Do kids even know what that means anymore?)  This may have attributed to the lack of confidence that I had, but couldn’t hold onto.  I was genuine and strong willed.  Every school that I went to, I had a few good friends (often only 1 or 2) and always a few that treated me horribly. 

I really am a talented individual.  I play guitar, sing, handle a household of blended kids with emotional trauma issues, and treat others (generally) the way I would like to be treated.  Still, it took until I was 25 years old to start feeling like I wasn’t the only one who saw this. 

It was a false glorification.  I was a “hot” bartender who treated people well.  Younger clientele started hanging out and giving me attention.  But, this was what I needed to realize that I was not accepting the appreciation others gave me.  It was like I needed someone to say ‘Hey, you are really amazing’ time after time after time after time, until I actually heard it.

Looking back I can see the all of the moments when others saw what I couldn’t accept.

            Kindergarten – the little boy who always wanted to share my sleeping mat.

2^nd grade - a friend that stood in between me the ‘mean girl’ when she laid in

4^th grade – the teacher who let it slide when I made a bad decision, because she knew it was completely against my nature

8^th grade – when my friend saw the ‘mean girl’ push me underwater and told her to leave the party no matter what she said I did (but did not do)

Now – having people I haven’t seen since high school remember almost every class and conversation we had (while I have vague recollections)

 Now – being blessed with friends that are people even my family considers family

The process is not easy.  Often a person has an eye-opening realization of how wrong they have been to themselves.  I recently had a friend say – ‘I would NEVER say the things I say or think about myself to any other human.’  Each person's situation may be different, but at the root they are all the same.  Recovery from this self-destruction is like daily exercise.  It is very hard to start a routine.  You have to find exactly what you need to work on – what are the trouble areas?  Then, it is even harder to stay to the commitment.  You’ll find that it is easy to slip back into old habits.  The most helpful tool is the positive people in your life.  BELIEVE what they say.  Don’t blow it off.  See the compliments and support they give you as if you were looking through their eyes.  Also, don’t downplay yourself when people give you props.  Say THANK YOU instead of – oh no, that’s not me.  An example of something I've worked on in my situation - when someone compliments a song I’ve sung, I’ll ask what other songs they think I would do well to learn.

I am 38 years old.  It took many years to accept that I am worth praise. I am still in the process of accepting the good things others see in me.  I need to stop holding on to the childhood bullies, which I became to myself.  Just as I was shocked at hearing how my friend didn’t know she was one of the most amazing, caring, and motivating people I have ever met, I am shocked at how I have not believed the same for myself.  I have and will continue to stop letting myself be my worst bully.

Failure is NOT an option.

Gen Z, iGen, Centennials, whatever they are called, are living quite different lives than we did as children. The basics are the same, play, eat, sleep, crave attention, and so on. But they don't know what it's like to share one phone in a household. If they want to play with friends, all they need to do is text or snap. I had to walk or ride my bike to their front door and shyly ask, "Can Tommy come out to play?"  Information is so readily available that everything else in life needs to be the same.  I want food now.  I saw this game. I want it now.  While at the same time, there is no sense of urgency for them to complete anything.  They have this lackadaisical attitude to doing what they are asked.

by Batmanpage 2012

My daughter is having a hard time in math.  She is extremely smart and creative.  Math is hard because there is only one way to do it.  A person can't reroute and come to the correct answer.  Her math teacher also intimidates her.  She doesn't want to be embarrassed in front of her peers by asking questions.  Despite all of these issues, she is failing because she isn't turning her assignments in on time.  Seven out of twenty-two times she turned in homework past the due date.  I asked her why.  There was a stream of excuses and no real reason.  I can check her assignments.  There were two she swore she turned in and said her grade would change as soon as the teacher posted them.  One assignment popped up - late.  The other is still missing.  A big fight brought out the answer.  She didn't even know if she turned it in or not.  The only way she learns she missed an assignment is if her teacher tells her.  She also had the opportunity to correct her quizzes and tests for extra points.  She corrected 2 out of 4 and told me there weren't anymore available.  

She wants her grade to change but won't organize herself to meet the requirements.  She has me check to webpage three times a day annoyed that the teacher hasn't graded the assignments while she isn't exactly sure if she did the work.  Once home she'll spend hours watching YouTube, Snaps, and playing life games on her phone.  I have often asked if she has all her homework done.  The answer is generally yes.  I then later find out she did half the assignment and saved it for the next day in homeroom.  This is about the time she misplaces it and needs to get another assignment.  The teacher has to do extra work because the student has little consideration.  

So, do we try to change this need for instant gratification or help meld it into something better? The one thing that stays strong in this fight is; she wants to take care of it herself.  Granted she is not doing that, but she wants to be responsible for herself instead of mom fighting her battles.  She wants to find the solution to the problem instead of not understanding what someone else is explaining.  

This generation needs a new way of thinking.  They are not the same as we were.  It was go to school, come home for a snack, do homework, and then go play.  If an assignment was due, we turned it the next day or we didn't get credit.  They have a hard time focusing on one thing at a time or longer than a few minutes.  So, as parents we must change along with them.  This does not mean that getting an 'F' is all right.  It does mean that phones will be taken away until that grade has changed.  It means that the ever-important social life must take a pause.  It also means we need to find new strategies.  

Alternative teaching methods and useful tools:

Integrate Music and Visual Arts with Social Studies, Math & Science
Ted Talks Teens
Alternatives to Lecturing

When Unicorn Memes are All You Have.

I have blogged my whole life.  It started out in what we used to call - a diary.  I also write music.  This is a type of blogging that often needs explanation to find the real meaning, but most people just make it work for their situation.  Over the past few years I have jotted down ideas; made top 10 lists, and decided – I would make an awesome storyteller and the world would praise me for my words.  I then paid for two years of webpage ownership and managed to make one article.  It was the ‘Top 10 Unicorn Memes”.  Instead of telling my story, sharing helpful advice, offering great recipes, and all of the other wonders of blogging, I changed diapers, washed clothes, chased the dog, and fell asleep trying to write out Valentine’s Day cards for 30 second graders.

This is why I decided to start writing about the thing that runs my entire life... being a mommy. 

I am one of the five human members of this family.  The other two are 1) the reason I take stock in lint rollers, Foxy the Dog, and 2) the resident of a loud, stinky tank in my daughters room that she swears she will one day take care of, Hoku the Turtle.  Our family is blended.  The two older siblings, 11 and 8, are from my S.O.’s previous marriage.  He and I also have an almost three-year-old.  Being the ‘step-mom’ is not as easy as I thought it should/would be.  Especially when they became full-time residents of this home.

Mommy, Rylan, Foxy, Skyar, and Baby Eli

This space is my sounding board, my funny time, a place where others can share, and a home for Unicorn Memes.  The content is based off of my mommy life and a splash of my time apart from that.

Thanks for stopping by.