Why am I Such a Jerk to Myself?

In every relationship, I get mad when I feel I’m not appreciated for being an amazing individual.  I am compassionate, supportive, good-looking, talented, hard working, and I make the other person feel valued.  I am on my side all the way.  So, why do I treat myself like I am less than that?

I believe that part of the reason is… I hate self-centered people.  You know the ones who act like they are God’s gift.  So when I know I do something well, I don’t want to be the one toot my own horn.  I feel if I talk about how awesome I secretly think I am, that I’ll be just like someone I hate.  So, I don’t.  I downplay myself to the point that I don’t feel adequate.  I don’t feel like I’m the person I know I am.

It has taken years to get to a fully supportive, positive view of myself.  I was teased as a child (but honestly, who wasn’t).  I attended eight different schools k-12.  It wasn’t very easy holding on to childhood friends unless I (and they) wanted to keep contact via ‘snail mail’. (Do kids even know what that means anymore?)  This may have attributed to the lack of confidence that I had, but couldn’t hold onto.  I was genuine and strong willed.  Every school that I went to, I had a few good friends (often only 1 or 2) and always a few that treated me horribly. 

I really am a talented individual.  I play guitar, sing, handle a household of blended kids with emotional trauma issues, and treat others (generally) the way I would like to be treated.  Still, it took until I was 25 years old to start feeling like I wasn’t the only one who saw this. 

It was a false glorification.  I was a “hot” bartender who treated people well.  Younger clientele started hanging out and giving me attention.  But, this was what I needed to realize that I was not accepting the appreciation others gave me.  It was like I needed someone to say ‘Hey, you are really amazing’ time after time after time after time, until I actually heard it.

Looking back I can see the all of the moments when others saw what I couldn’t accept.

            Kindergarten – the little boy who always wanted to share my sleeping mat.

2^nd grade - a friend that stood in between me the ‘mean girl’ when she laid in

4^th grade – the teacher who let it slide when I made a bad decision, because she knew it was completely against my nature

8^th grade – when my friend saw the ‘mean girl’ push me underwater and told her to leave the party no matter what she said I did (but did not do)

Now – having people I haven’t seen since high school remember almost every class and conversation we had (while I have vague recollections)

 Now – being blessed with friends that are people even my family considers family

The process is not easy.  Often a person has an eye-opening realization of how wrong they have been to themselves.  I recently had a friend say – ‘I would NEVER say the things I say or think about myself to any other human.’  Each person's situation may be different, but at the root they are all the same.  Recovery from this self-destruction is like daily exercise.  It is very hard to start a routine.  You have to find exactly what you need to work on – what are the trouble areas?  Then, it is even harder to stay to the commitment.  You’ll find that it is easy to slip back into old habits.  The most helpful tool is the positive people in your life.  BELIEVE what they say.  Don’t blow it off.  See the compliments and support they give you as if you were looking through their eyes.  Also, don’t downplay yourself when people give you props.  Say THANK YOU instead of – oh no, that’s not me.  An example of something I've worked on in my situation - when someone compliments a song I’ve sung, I’ll ask what other songs they think I would do well to learn.

I am 38 years old.  It took many years to accept that I am worth praise. I am still in the process of accepting the good things others see in me.  I need to stop holding on to the childhood bullies, which I became to myself.  Just as I was shocked at hearing how my friend didn’t know she was one of the most amazing, caring, and motivating people I have ever met, I am shocked at how I have not believed the same for myself.  I have and will continue to stop letting myself be my worst bully.